I try to always keep my head up, but sometimes when life throws you a disappointment or sad experience, its hard to keep positive. As someone who has struggled with depression for most of my adolescent and adult life, it’s hard to know how people without depression experience hard times. Sometimes I wonder if my friends or family could feel what I feel, they would understand why I don’t always react to situations the same way they would. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that the way I react to tragedy, sadness or struggle is abnormal; I just think that I process these feelings differently than most people. My emotions, especially at a low point are more sensitive, it almost seems as if I don’t have control over them. As an adult, it is hard to not have that sense of control, and feel like you don’t have the ability to stay professional or be able to articulate in these situations.
My indoor cat, Jack, got out yesterday and I didn’t realize until this morning when I went to go feed him and he was no where to be found. (I promise that this story will tie in) I’ve had him for about a year now and he has always been super good about staying away from the doors if they happen to be open, etc. This is the first time he has ever gotten out and I can’t help but think the worst. However, I am really trying to stay positive because there is no sense in worrying about something that is out of my control. I just wish that this was easier done than said. I ended up hanging up signs and walking around trying to find him. It really made me feel good that the community that I live in was completely supportive and helpful, really making me feel that if he was found, he would be returned.
While hanging signs, I ran into two police officers who asked me what happened. They were great and said that they would hang one of my signs up at the station, and suggested some tips. But the second they asked me to explain what happened, I lost it. I completely went from full composure to an outburst of tears, and of course I couldn’t stop. So I tried to pull myself together enough to get my point across and thankfully I was able to. I just can’t stop wondering why this always happens to me. No matter what therapy I am working with for my depression; when I have a negative experience of this magnitude, I can’t keep my composure.
As long as the gravity of the situation is about the level of losing a pet, failing a paper, doing poorly at work, or truly upsetting someone I care for, this experience of a semi important level of loss or that I have done something wrong is enough to send my emotions into complete haywire. It’s happened at so many inappropriate times, that I wonder if it will ever get better. Although, it does make me realize that the world we live in, this society that dictates the norm, doesn’t allow for these emotional outbursts, at this level. Maybe when the the situation is more dire, people are more understanding, but at this level, I honestly think not.
So what am I to do other than accept my emotional vulnerability and hope that the world has some compassion for my tears and the heart I wear on my sleeve or pray that one day, I can carry some more emotional self control, so that the world won’t see me as damaged for feeling too intensely.
(Could you feel the sarcasm?) NO!! This is not the only thing that I can do! It’s so important to stay positive in these times of trial and tribulation because what we experience may be partially dictated by society but mostly it is guided by how we feel towards ourselves, and what we allow to permeate our thoughts. I always had the mentality of the glass half empty and used the excuse that looking at life this way would drive me to succeed by knowing that there was always something better to strive for.
It makes sense right? WRONG! One of my best friends has taught me how important it is to talk positively to yourself and I don’t know where I would be without his support and guidance. I’ve realized over the last year, that this original type of thinking did help me be successful, but it left me feeling empty. It never gave me the opportunity for contentment in my life, because as I am sure many of you know. There is no ceiling that exists for setting the bar in life, and even though, moving that bar is important to continually striving for better, it isn’t worth it, or healthy if your self talk is negative. Negativity is like herpes, it will crop up at the most unfortunate times and places. So stay strong and even though it isn’t the easiest it’s ok to fake it (like an orgasm) because eventually it will get better (maybe not in bed) but that internal voice will be singing a sweeter tune.